Warning: This post will be full of raw, honest feelings on the loss of our child. If you don't want to read this type of material today, or are here simply for a recipe, I suggest you skip to the bottom.
This is a hard post for me to write. My last one was filling you in on my pregnancy and the complications I'd been dealing with. Today I have to share that my baby was born into the arms of Jesus last week.
When I went for my 14 week checkup, the doctor wasn't able to find the heartbeat with her doppler, so we went into the next room to check things with an ultrasound. As soon as I saw the monitor and heard the deafening silence, I knew my baby had died, but I still kept praying, "Please God, let her find a heartbeat. Please God." As the doctor turned to me and whispered, "Amber, I'm so sorry." I already knew my baby was gone.
I was scheduled for a D&C the next day, and though having to go through the rest of the day knowing my baby was dead inside of me was hard, waking up from surgery feeling that emptiness was harder.
Miscarriage. It's something that can seem so common, but until you live it, you never know what you've lost. I may not have held my baby in my arms, or created memories together, but I carried the hopes and dreams of what the future was supposed to hold - with this particular baby - in my heart. That is what I have lost.
I've lost the chance to learn this child's personality, to know the contours of their face like the back of my hand, or feel the comfort of their small hand grasping my own. This is more than a setback in the plans for our family. We lost a child. A child that was unique and will never be replaced by another. If I'm being honest, I may not even have the chance to try again. My pregnancies are so difficult on my body and my family, it takes a lot of careful planning and consideration to decide if it's something we can go through again.
I'm hoping, given time, that I'll have the opportunity to give my son a sibling, and know the joy of snuggling a soft, downy head again. Until then, I'm focusing on healing my body from the months of malnutrition, and giving my son all the hugs and attention I wasn't able to give him these past few months. I'm getting a great start with this delicious soup my sister-in-law made for me while I was recovering, which is a recipe of her friend Victoria Costilla. I was so lucky to have her there helping me, I cannot give her enough praise - thank you Christel!
This soup is full of vitamin C veggies and vitamin E from the brown rice. Did I mention it tastes great? And while it does have jalapenos in it, it's not too spicy at all.
Chicken Jalapeno & Rice Soup
Yield: 9-10 servings
Printable Recipe
(recipe courtesy of Victoria Costilla)
3-4 cups water
2 chicken breasts with bone (or meat from a rotisserie chicken)
3-4 chicken tenderloins (not needed if using rotisserie chicken)
3 garlic cloves, minced
1/2 onion, diced
7-8 cups chicken broth
1 cup brown rice, uncooked
3 stalks celery, sliced
3 carrots, sliced
1/2 head cabbage, thinly sliced
2 cups frozen green beans
1 cup water
1-2 fresh jalapenos
1/2 tbsp black pepper
pinch of salt (to taste)
cayenne pepper powder
fresh lemon
Combine 3-4 cups water and the chicken breasts and tenderloins, cook until the meat falls off the bone, about 1-2 hours. Turn down the heat, remove from heat and shred chicken with a fork. Alternatively, you can use the meat from a rotisserie chicken to save time. Return to stovetop and add the following: garlic, onion, chicken broth and brown rice. Cook until rice is soft and cooked through. Add celery, carrots, cabbage and green beans. Cook until veggies are semi-soft.
While soup is cooking, using a blender, blend one cup of water with the fresh jalapenos. Add the blended sauce to the soup. Cook about 10 minutes longer, adding more water if necessary until you reach desired consistency. The soup will thicken once the rice is cooked.
Before serving, remove any bones, garnish with cayenne pepper, salt and fresh squeezed lemon or lime. This soup freezes really well, and can be frozen in single one cup servings for reheating later.
Enjoy.
Amber
My husband wrote a letter to our baby that he posted on his facebook page last week. He's a typical man, and rarely expresses himself verbally, but his heartfelt words struck a chord in me, and I wanted to share it with you since we're entering the month of giving thanks. You can read his letter below.
A Letter To Our Baby
"To my child,
I want to take a moment to tell you about your family. You have a brother Cade. He is awesome, he has the biggest heart of any person I know, and loves harder than any brother you will ever have! He is your protector and he will take great pride in that job. You have a Mom and Dad that love you to no end. We will never forget you and look forward to the day we see you and hold you.
A part of me says I am glad you did not have to experience this world as it can be a cruel place. That being said, I would die this very second if it meant you could experience the love that you have with this family. I would die this instance, if it meant Cade could hold you in his arms and kiss your forehead. I LOVE YOU! and will celebrate you everyday of my life.
I question why you were taken from us. This I may never know. I do know that this emotional storm will pass, the scars will heal, and ours days will go on.
To those reading this, I encourage you the next time you feel like you are having a bad day, stop and think about the things you do have in your life. Don't think about the things that you want, you can't lose those. However, you can lose the things you have, so be thankful and protect the things you hold close to your heart."
I think this is good advice for us all this Thanksgiving. :)
Amber
